understand; accept: love

It has been more than a year now since the last time i wrote in here. When I think back on the situations i have been into the past year, I smile. This is not only because I got the answers and requests I have wished for, but mainly because i realized that I was given more than what I have wanted for that certain moment.

More than the immediate solutions i have prayed for, God has showered upon me great and wonderful blessings of understanding, acceptance, and love.  

Although at first it was tough, the entire circumstance has made me, i think, a person with:

A HEART THAT CAN UNDERSTAND BETTER. 

With adversities, I was able to realize that things definitely had reasons as to why they happen, but not enough for the how things happen. I have kept asking myself as to why it had to be me, or why i have to go through situations that all others don't. Well, it is just like that. Not until you fully- with all your heart-understand that people all over the world go though problems like you, you will never get away from the shadow of giving-up and losing hope. Back then, it was very easy to say something about other people's misfortune. It was even easier to let loose of accusing comments, although not directly to people. With a heart that has been tried and tested, you try to always understand. And while other people mock you for your continuous "understanding", still continue to understand.

A SPIRIT THAT IS ABLE TO ACCEPT.

Despite being very busy, i find time to watch TV. It was i think a mother's day special when a Saturday late night show featured a well-mannered woman in her late 60's. She was a mother of an abducted farmer activist five years ago. She is, until today, looking for her son. The great thing with her is the fact that she is not, at all, angry with anyone despite the fact that she knew the identity of the officer who forcibly took his son in a restaurant while eating lunch. She is not losing hope that one day, she will see her son. She said "At every turn of the uphill path of the search, something and someone would somehow turn out to be His Providence supplying what was needed for the moment. The particular grace would always be on time..." 

There, definitely, is no reason to be angry with all the problems I have. It may be true that everybody has his or her own problems, but try to listen to others, they probably are in bigger troubles that you. 

A MIND THAT IS ABLE TO REALIZE WHAT IS/ARE IMPORTANT.

I sure do have countless friends. Soooooooooooooooooooooooo many that it can probably quantify into more than 10x of the number of letter "o" above. We have shared laughters, tears, disappointments,  success and so many other things to mention. However, i understand that it is not their responsibility to understand further whatever it was that kept me in here. There were several people who knew and understood, but most of them have decided to stop comprehending. 

Painful as it may seem, I cannot force every single friend i have to actually believe in what i have been fighting for. If, someday they come across this blog and find time to read this particular part, thank you for everything. You knew how I have kept each one of you in my heart, but i am in a different situation now. I have to make choices and I am very sorry to have caused you trouble just because you think am not being true.

To those who have continued the effort of loving me despite all the problems i have packaged myself with, you know who you ALL are. I love you darlings.:)

Most importantly, i have realized that there really is no better refuge, aside from God, than Family. To my Cma, who has all the time listened to both small and big things, thank you. To my younger sister, who I don't get to see often, thank you for making me realize that i can also be strong. To my one and only brother who refuses to listen and react to every single thing, I love you dearly. Most especially, i have realized that the parents I have are the best in the world! Thank you for the unconditional love.:) 

I will never be tired of thanking the Lord for making you all a part of me.

The good and sweet Father will shower upon you things that you need. If he continues to extend the understanding, acceptance and love within you, then He probably wants you to UNDERSTAND MORE, ACCEPT MORE and LOVE MORE. 

God loves you.:)

patience...

oh patience..please extend further...

Psalm 31:14
But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God."

dear Father,

Your thoughts always wake me up in the middle of the night. The mere picture of you holding me brings so much relief, and i would think that i missed talking to you earlier that night.
My unconscious self tells me in my dreams that tomorrow will be different because i have not mentioned your name but my conscious self rewards me with a sound sleep.

Father, teach me to trust other people because my heart's always weary. And my mind goes with it. It's ability to wander and wonder has made me feel weak, unfocused and unhappy.

I want to be happy father, with you and with the couple of people i love dearly. Please help me be reminded always to call upon your name whatever comes through. With my whole heart, i ask you Father to reveal the purpose of all these.

everything i ask, in the name of Jesus Christ...amen...

Romans 5:3-4 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope..

Dear God,

Please let me be able to stand all these..I f i forget to talk to you at times about my problems, please do not forget me. I'll always be searching for you-all the time.

Always be with me and my husband, Father, in everything.

amen..

acceptance.

All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.

—John 6:37


Without question, i am accepting. Because this is what God has given me- all these has purpose.

anger.

Psalm 37:7-9 "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper—it only leads to harm. For the wicked will be destroyed, but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.".

My mother, and everyone around me, says i got a lot of patience. Constantly, she would tell other people that i bring joy to the family by being one. My relatives would appreciate my happiness despite the children running around me ruining the things i just got arranged. Janica and her sister Ailee would tell me how i can still smile with my foot being hurt during a foot massage the three (3) of us had, while my eyes were teary. Tetel and mila would tell me how i can allow other people to hurt me, which took me 11 years to realize that my ex-boyfriend was stupid! Despite all the hurt i have been through with that person, i have not even uttered a single word that would degrade himself or even make him feel bad about his character. i guess, only my amount of tears taught him, how i badly i felt about him.

It was easy being one! i never mind even if janica or desiree would make me wait hours for a stroll or a jog, or even if a friend doesn't reply to a text message immediately-because i was also not a text addict. I didn't mind even if a planned activity doesn't push through or a friend loses/uses something i have treasured. I was happy all the time!

So am thinking, why so easily I turned into someone i am not. Suddenly, my patience grew very short and i say words i naturally do not utter. Now i complain (lightly) that my niece is calling in the office's line more than 5 times a day before she goes to school and the time she arrives and ironically complain that my husband doesn't automatically reply to my messages. I complain that my husband picks me up late, more than 30min later. Most especially, i refuse to understand things, that needs understanding. I am not me.:(

I am trying to decipher what else i forgot to do in my lifetime that i am badly paying for it. Honestly, i could not remember fooling around someone, although i hated a few people that liked me, because i didn't like them back.

Recently, I am all the time angry- and i am not liking it. I loose patience very easily and my temper is outrageous.

GOD,

Thank you for the wonderful day you have given us. A day to celebrate life and love once more. Thank you for all the blessings you are showering upon us, though at times i do not think i deserve it.

Teach me God to appreciate all these trials, because I know these all have something to teach me. May you give me endurance and more strength to get through all these. Am not complaining Father of all these but i am praying harder that may all that may still come, come one at a time. It is always in my heart Father that you will not give me anything my heart and mind could not handle, but i am near breaking...

Am asking Father that may you continue to understand me that i will understand others. I cannot hate someone Lord, because my love pours out for him. Help me think that the past has nothing to do with me and I got nothing to do with them/it.

Father, hear me..

amen..

james..

James 1:2-7

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^>]">2 whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.".

It has been a month since i got married to the man i truly, with all my heart, love. The decision, of course, did not come easily as we had to consider a few major parts of our lives. Nevertheless, love conquered all- our love conquered all.

Marriage was not something i have envisioned to happen for me this age. Admittedly, the first person i shared a marriage plan with was set 5 years 2 years ago. But then again, circumstances happen and i chose to be nice for myself than for him. It was at the verge of my "broken-heart" episodes that my husband came. Coincidence as it may be, he hid his identity from a name i have dreaded to hear. But, he was lovable. Meeting him was the perfect picture of God's hands working for me- in his perfect time.

It was blissful that i had someone i call my very own. A person i do not have to secretly share with someone. A person whom God sent to answer many years of prayers. A one person who placed me in his pedestal and never made me come down. A person who thinks of me first before himself, who remembers me before he would remember others. A person who chose to remind me that no matter where he is, whatever he is doing and whoever he is with, i am the one person his heart is shouting for.

I call him "heart", he calls me secretly by the term" love" but " burot" when others are listening. He said, it was never him to call someone by a term but because i was special, he calls me by a special name.

Today, february 6, 2011, 1 month 9 days after our wedding, i am choosing to be happy despite everything i refuse to accept and understand. I refused!

I would like to think that i am a good daughter, i tried my best to extend as much understanding as there is for my siblings, give as much patience as i could to my nephew and niece, most importantly give out as much love as my heart could hold to everyone around me. I appreciated all there is that came along, so that i do not understand why am given so much more than what i could only bear.

Last night, i cried- neither because I was angry nor i was hating someone. I could not fathom the depth of the pain my heart and mind are containing. I couldn't understand why all these are happening when i tried to be as nice as somebody could be. When I tried to be as a good citizen as i can be, and as a good daughter/follower as i can be. I prayed to be bestowed even an ounce of Job's patience, understanding, and love. I am still praying.

I have prayed a lot. In my prayers were questions i wanted God to answer- that only Him could answer. Sometimes, i'd think that God is not anymore listening to me. Often, i'd tell Him that if he is trying my patience, may he guide me get through all these.

At church a few years ago, we were encouraged at a youth's class to recite a memory verse each meeting. My favorite is James 1:2-8. Although everyone might have had enough of those verses, i did not grow tired of reciting them. But, it is only today that i am understanding it deeply.

Maybe i am not joyful of my trials. Maybe, I did not allow God to take his full course on me, or yet, i asked without utmost faith.

God, I am allowing you to dip your hands on me and guide me in becoming a servant of your own. Bestow my husband maturity in everything he does, and may our love grow despite all these. I trust that all these trials are set not to hurt me but to build me, so that i am asking for your continuous support and love that i may become a better wife and that we may have a good family.

Help me to be appreciative of the people that are around me. My family has supported me in all my endeavors without counting. I realized that we are maturing as a family, growing with love and faith in you and that may you endlessly shower us with everything you think we deserve. Trials do always come Father, but remind me that you do not give those to hurt me, but to make me understand and view things clearly.

Lastly, i pray that because i cannot hate the one person you put up for me to share my years with, i sincerely pray Father that may you increase my patience and trust and understanding.

Help us dear God!