dying..

"some people will die for love, others will die because they lost it..But actually, you don't die over a broken heart, you only wish you did.."

i wish i did..

it just hurts soooo much! i don't think i can handle it any longer, but i have to endure..i know...

you know, it relieves me sooo much when i remember the promise that, "as long as you ask for it, it will be given". i have asked for it for so many days, nights. so long that it even reached years. i know it's not right to claim that promise now because i also know that there is a "right place" and a "right time".but, i have to hold on to something..

pwede karn nalang? pwede ako na lang? ulit?..sounds funny! sounds familiar! (one more chance-bea and jL). but that is how i exactly feel right now..i chose to be where i am today.it was my idea to live afar from him..so, why am i asking for a repeat?!

i have been to a lot of trouble, and mess over these years to be with him..i know i have hurt quite a few people for a decision i have made selfishly. i regret i did those, but not being with him! i have endured the years of secret heartaches caused by secret argues about secret get-togethers, i know! everything was just a secret, and should forever remain a secret..

i know i don't mean the same to him as much as i did 10 years ago probably..but i don't care, as long as he cares. my friends says, am "masukista".but i don't think i am. i am just in love..

but today, it just hurts soooo much! soooo much that my heart wants to get out of my chest and tear itself down.=(

my friend says i should not love him anymore because nothing of what's happening to me is good for me. it is just making me miserable..she says i should not continue feeling the same because she feels/thinks :
*that he's just there for me because i am the most convenient to do everything with. (because even if i get angry at him big time, it all is erased when he texts me, "he wants to see me again").
*that even if i don't text him, it will never matter to him and he will never care even if i don't text at all.
*he's taking me for granted. because if he does, "he knows unsa ang klase nga power he draws over you, i don't think he'd do things that he KNOWS WILL HURT YOU.."
*"you deserve someone better. i know you can't help it feeling that way about him, but he doesn't deserve you."

these might all be true. but, what if it's not?

i just want to hate him! so i can mask the hurt am feeling right now.so i can mask the love am feeling right now! but i can't..i really really really can't!

you know the text message,

"sometimes, we think that love has to be reciprocal..
that if we are in a relationship with someone, everything should be equal..

but that is wrong..

love isn't give and take..
but rather, give & give..

remember that mother theresa was once asked to define love, and her answer was..
'love is giving until it hurts'..

so don't hate yourself if you think you gave it all and the other gave only half.."

who knows, he might someday realize my worth..