i have never thought that a day would come where i would have to deny myself of that last chance of seeing him. but, i did.
i came to Cebu because i wanted to get a clearer view of the picture. i wanted to hear what jan-jan would have to say, because she (aside from mila) knew the whole story. i wanted to hear what i have been dreading to hear for years now, what they have been telling me all these years now, and i have chosen to suppress all these years, now.
i have actually closed my ears and my eyes of what was truly happening. i wasn't objective. i would always have reasons to justify everything, because i loved him dearly, deeply. but i guess, as they say, "nothing lasts forever". i have to open my eyes wide enough to see that i maybe in love, but he may not be..anymore..
i have believed in "one great love" all these years, and that is probably why, i have never moved on..i would always picture the scene where a man, no matter how many perfect women he'd meet, no matter how many nice places he'd go to, he will always return to that "one great love" he has always preferred over all the nice and perfect things in the world. I would be his "one great love" and he would be mine. but, that was not actually that simple. true enough, he went to nice places, met-up with perfectly nice women, and unfortunately, never came back for me.
my friends would tell me that i have to make my decision, and whatever that decision may be, i would have to stand up for it. as my other post says, i have never really been angry with him for what had happened. and it was the major reason why i came over to Cebu. i was afraid that, if we see each other again, i would RECONSIDER my decisions, for sure. some say, 'adik man kaha ka!', i know. and i refuse to be in rehab.=(
two days ago, my heart jumped over a text message i was not expecting at all! it took me hours to decide if i should reply, and at last i did. i am happy because, now, more than ever, i am more objective. because now, more than ever, i know that i cannot make a decision for myself alone because every time i get depressed, i affect the people around me somehow. so, wen he insisted that we should talk personally, i was certain that it could not happen, anymore!
i know it was not what my heart was saying..but, i have given my heart enough time to decide for us, but never came out good. at least for me..
i would not have wanted to post these but, i also want to have something to refresh myself up if in the future i screw up again..
these were my last text messages to him..
date:october 22,2009
from me:
*am giving you peace. sa tinood, bisan ask pa nimo janjan ug mila, wala ko'y kasuko nimo.. mao, i hate myself. i wish i am, so i could mask all the pain. If you love her, am letting you go. i can't see you get hurt because you are lying to her somehow. Am trying to accept that i could no longer have you ever, not tomorrow or in the future. It sure hurts more than words could express, but i guess it's the price of loving too much and not leaving something for myself. i have not regretted loving you because i was always extremely happy with you. I just wish you were also with me. Am sorry f everything i have done wasn't enough, it was all that i am. Thank you for being part of my life, sincerely. and sorry if i have hurt you in many ways, it was all unintentional. i sincerely wish you both happiness. It's just that, am not ready to see any of you nor any of the people who would remind me of you...
him: hope, mulipas rani..balik sa normal atong panag amego..
*i can never be your friend, for sure. i can never be nice to you anymore, because i never want to see again..seeing you, and having you around would just mean bringing back all the pain..so, if in the future you see me from afar, please try to ignore me because i will for sure ignore you..but if, we can't avoid bumping into each other,i can be civil to you..It will take time, maybe we can be friends when we're very old..maybe..
him: i'll hope and pray..
*you don't have to punish yourself thinking you'll repay for everything. you just made a choice, unfortunately, the choice didn't favor me.. i can only be sorry for myself, you don't have to share the misery with me.. you made a choice because it will make you happy and it was what your heart was saying..so stop caring about what i feel, because i honestly don't get the point. you preferred hurting me, it's done..nothing you'll say can EVER take it away.. so, apology is enough, have a happy life..
janjan's proud of me.she said it's good that i am making a better decision, it's just that she's not sure of until when i can hold on to the "decision". She's worried what will happen if the day would come where i have to finally see him..
i also do not know what will happen, so until i know what to do then, i would have to make sure that no piece of them will come my way..hihihihhi
untill then..
i came to Cebu because i wanted to get a clearer view of the picture. i wanted to hear what jan-jan would have to say, because she (aside from mila) knew the whole story. i wanted to hear what i have been dreading to hear for years now, what they have been telling me all these years now, and i have chosen to suppress all these years, now.
i have actually closed my ears and my eyes of what was truly happening. i wasn't objective. i would always have reasons to justify everything, because i loved him dearly, deeply. but i guess, as they say, "nothing lasts forever". i have to open my eyes wide enough to see that i maybe in love, but he may not be..anymore..
i have believed in "one great love" all these years, and that is probably why, i have never moved on..i would always picture the scene where a man, no matter how many perfect women he'd meet, no matter how many nice places he'd go to, he will always return to that "one great love" he has always preferred over all the nice and perfect things in the world. I would be his "one great love" and he would be mine. but, that was not actually that simple. true enough, he went to nice places, met-up with perfectly nice women, and unfortunately, never came back for me.
my friends would tell me that i have to make my decision, and whatever that decision may be, i would have to stand up for it. as my other post says, i have never really been angry with him for what had happened. and it was the major reason why i came over to Cebu. i was afraid that, if we see each other again, i would RECONSIDER my decisions, for sure. some say, 'adik man kaha ka!', i know. and i refuse to be in rehab.=(
two days ago, my heart jumped over a text message i was not expecting at all! it took me hours to decide if i should reply, and at last i did. i am happy because, now, more than ever, i am more objective. because now, more than ever, i know that i cannot make a decision for myself alone because every time i get depressed, i affect the people around me somehow. so, wen he insisted that we should talk personally, i was certain that it could not happen, anymore!
i know it was not what my heart was saying..but, i have given my heart enough time to decide for us, but never came out good. at least for me..
i would not have wanted to post these but, i also want to have something to refresh myself up if in the future i screw up again..
these were my last text messages to him..
date:october 22,2009
from me:
*am giving you peace. sa tinood, bisan ask pa nimo janjan ug mila, wala ko'y kasuko nimo.. mao, i hate myself. i wish i am, so i could mask all the pain. If you love her, am letting you go. i can't see you get hurt because you are lying to her somehow. Am trying to accept that i could no longer have you ever, not tomorrow or in the future. It sure hurts more than words could express, but i guess it's the price of loving too much and not leaving something for myself. i have not regretted loving you because i was always extremely happy with you. I just wish you were also with me. Am sorry f everything i have done wasn't enough, it was all that i am. Thank you for being part of my life, sincerely. and sorry if i have hurt you in many ways, it was all unintentional. i sincerely wish you both happiness. It's just that, am not ready to see any of you nor any of the people who would remind me of you...
him: hope, mulipas rani..balik sa normal atong panag amego..
*i can never be your friend, for sure. i can never be nice to you anymore, because i never want to see again..seeing you, and having you around would just mean bringing back all the pain..so, if in the future you see me from afar, please try to ignore me because i will for sure ignore you..but if, we can't avoid bumping into each other,i can be civil to you..It will take time, maybe we can be friends when we're very old..maybe..
him: i'll hope and pray..
*you don't have to punish yourself thinking you'll repay for everything. you just made a choice, unfortunately, the choice didn't favor me.. i can only be sorry for myself, you don't have to share the misery with me.. you made a choice because it will make you happy and it was what your heart was saying..so stop caring about what i feel, because i honestly don't get the point. you preferred hurting me, it's done..nothing you'll say can EVER take it away.. so, apology is enough, have a happy life..
janjan's proud of me.she said it's good that i am making a better decision, it's just that she's not sure of until when i can hold on to the "decision". She's worried what will happen if the day would come where i have to finally see him..
i also do not know what will happen, so until i know what to do then, i would have to make sure that no piece of them will come my way..hihihihhi
untill then..
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